


The Weight of the World

by aRooZa



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst and Fluff, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-02 23:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17273285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aRooZa/pseuds/aRooZa
Summary: It's 2012. SHINee are in the middle of promotions. Kim Kibum lets societal expectations govern his days. Until one day, out of the blue, Kim Jonghyun starts turning his life upside down…





	1. Hiding My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic in 2012 and never published it, even though I liked it a lot. Since there will now never again be a “good” time to publish this, I decided to just put it out there for all of you, who - like me - find comfort and solace in stories and fantasies like this.
> 
> This is a multi-chaptered fic. Final chapter count still to be determined. I’m publishing the chapters as I’m re-editing them. So it might take some time until everything is online. :3

 

“Kibum-ah…!”

Kibum rolled his eyes at the whiney sound of his friend’s voice coming from the kitchen.

“Keyyyy… Help me, please, I don’t know what I’m doing here!”

He sighed and stretched like a cat, slowly rolling off the sofa. Yawning and fixing his blonde bangs, he made his way to the kitchen, where his friend and band mate was busy spewing profanities while pushing seemingly random buttons on the rice cooker.

“What are you doing?”

“I told you, I have no idea.” Kim Jonghyun threw his arms in the air and stepped back from the evil machine that had resorted to wild blinking. “Make it go away.” He looked up at him with his puppy eyes and pouted.

Kibum grinned and elbowed the older out of the way, focusing on the problem at hand. “Geez, what have you done to this poor machine?!”

While he had trouble getting the rice cooker back to work, Jonghyun pulled himself up on the counter next to him, crossed his arms and just watched.

“Why are you staring?” Kibum asked and cursed as he burned his finger on the hot device.

“Where you out last night?” The older asked back, nonchalantly.

Kibum put his hand under the faucet to let cold water run over his finger for a moment. “Why?”

“I heard you singing in the middle of the night,” Jonghyun replied.

Kibum didn’t need to see his face to know that he was smirking.

 “Yeah I was out.” Kibum finally gave in and simply unplugged and reconnected the rice cooker.

“Where?”

He sighed and turned around, leaning his hip against the counter and mimicking the older by crossing his arms as well. “Out.”

Jonghyun knew very well where Kibum usually went on those Saturday nights when he had some time to spare. It had never bothered him enough to ask about it before.

“Itaewon?”

“Why are you asking?”

Jonghyun shrugged and tapped his feet. “I don’t know. You never tell me these things anymore.”

True. If ever there was something about those nights he had to share with someone, he talked about it with Minho. “It’s because you don’t care about it,” he said with a smile.

Jonghyun pouted again, staring down at his knees. “Of course I care about what my friend is doing.”

“But you already know what I’m doing, Jonghyun,” Kibum defended himself and turned around to program the rice cooker that was now on standby.

He had never been one to hide his true self - around the others at least - and they in turn had told him that they had never, not for a minute, assumed he was really into dating girls. So once the ground rules had been set - with Kibum jokingly assuring them that he would never hit on any of them, seeing as they all were straight or at least pretended to be and not his type anyway (which was a lie) - the topic was never discussed again. Since they knew he had plenty of male friends in the industry and went out with them on a regular basis when they didn’t have a schedule, there was no need to ask where he was going. He was old enough to drink legally and old enough to make his own decisions. They all adhered to the rules anyhow, which meant no public dating and no discussion of their private lives anywhere but their own four walls.  It was never more than casual dating anyway, for all of them, for various reasons.

When he turned around again, Jonghyun was looking down at his hands, fumbling the hem of his oversized black shirt – one of their _couple_ shirts, Kibum noticed – which dangled low around his neck and exposed his collarbones. It looked really good on him. Anything looked good on him these days anyway, since he’d taken up a brutal work-out routine earlier this year, which had turned him into a ripped—

 Kibum mentally slapped himself and cleared his throat.

“You’re still dating guys, right?” The older asked out of the blue and Kibum knitted his brow.

“Why?”

“Stop answering questions with questions,” Jonghyun shot back and hopped off the counter. “So are you or are you not?”

“I am, but I don’t see how that—”

Jonghyun interrupted him with a wave of his hand. “Thank you.”

Geez, this guy was not making any sense today. “For what?”

“Your honesty.” The older turned to grab a cup from the cupboard and poured himself some lukewarm coffee.

“Yah.” Kibum walked up to Jonghyun, who was stirring his coffee and leaned on the counter next to him. “I’ve always been honest with you, you know that. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” the older mumbled around a sip from his cup, “I was just wondering… you always said you wanted to have a family someday.”

He nodded. “I still want to, someday.”

Jonghyun turned to look at him, his eyebrows raised almost up to his hairline, “How? I mean... are you… like… into girls, too?”

Kibum smacked his lips. “No.”

The other crossed his arms. “Then how are you planning on having a family?”

“I’ll find a nice enough girl and marry her,” Kibum stated matter-of-factly.

“Really?” Jonghyun looked rather unconvinced. “You would give up your own happiness for that?”

“Who’s to say she will not make me happy?” Kibum shrugged.

Jonghyun shook his head slowly. “You know, you could have a family in other ways.”

Kibum smirked. “Are _you_ seriously trying to give _me_ relationship advice?”

There was a sudden change in the older one’s eyes, shadows falling, like clouds swiftly darkening the sky in a storm. “I just can’t imagine you with a girl, that’s all.”

“Admit it: you’ll simply miss us pretending to be a couple.” Kibum grinned while saying this, but Jonghyun just put down his half empty cup and shrugged.

“Whatever Kibum, I’ll be at the gym.”

He left without another word and Kibum pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. What the hell was wrong with this guy now? Had one of his dozens of girlfriends left him again? He pushed himself off the counter and strode down the hall to the dorms.

“Hyung? Are you awake?” He asked loudly when he reached the door to his and Jinki’s room.

“No,” Jinki’s  muffled voice sounded back through the door, which was the signal for Kibum to enter the room.

“I need to talk to you,” he said and sat down on the older one’s bed, patting his back. “Lee Jinki.”

“I’m awake, I’m awake,” Jinki grumbled, pulled his blanket up to his nose and turned around. “What is it?”

“Have you noticed anything unusual about Jonghyun these days?” He asked, pulling his knees up to his chin.

Jinki yawned, rubbing his eyes. “You mean anything more unusual than usual?”

Kibum smiled. The leader took his job really seriously, always willing to help, no matter the situation. “Yeah.”

“I don’t think so.” He blinked up at Kibum. “He’s been really busy recently though, we hardly ever speak more than two minutes a day.”

“Yeah, same,” Kibum mumbled, nodding. “But that could just be because he’s so intent on winning over Minho in the abs department, right?”

“Right.” Jinki turned around again, burying his head under his blanket. “Please go ask him yourself if you’re worried for him, Kibum.”

Kibum bit his lip. He _was_ worried for his friend, but he wasn’t so sure why exactly. Something was off about him.

“Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes,” he said with another pat on Jinki’s back and got up to leave the leader be. Just as he closed the door behind him, the group’s youngest strolled around the corner, towel around his neck, iPod in hand.

“Taemin-ah!” Kibum waved and waited for the younger to pass so he could steal one of his earbuds. As expected, he was listening to some US American rock band way too loudly and Kibum smiled at the obvious influence Jonghyun had on this kid.

He bumped him with his shoulder. “Taemin-ah, do you know if Jonghyun is okay?”

The younger shrugged absentmindedly while drumming his fingers on the music player. “Why wouldn’t he be? I just saw him leaving for the gym a few minutes ago.”

“No, I mean, has he been acting strange lately?”

“Shouldn’t you know best how he is, hyung?” Taemin asked and glanced up from under his dark brown fringe.

“But _you_ are his roommate!” Kibum dropped the earbud with a huff, “You guys are really not much of a help today.”

“Sorry, Jonghyun’s been really busy lately.” The younger plugged the earbud back into its place and shuffled off towards the kitchen.

Kibum contemplated for a minute if he should go find Minho, but figured he might as well ask Jonghyun himself when he returned from the gym.

 

Little did he know that Jonghyun wouldn’t show up neither for breakfast, nor lunch, or dinner and when he asked the others about it they just shrugged, agreeing that he was just _really_ busy these days. It was frustrating.

It was past 8 pm when Kibum finally decided to whip out his phone.

To: A-Bling-Bling Jonghyun

_Yah Hyung, where are you?!_

The reply he got not a minute later made him roll his eyes.

From: A-Bling-Bling Jonghyun

_I’m out._

 

To: A-Bling-Bling Jonghyun

_I noticed Jjong. ^^ Are you okay? You missed all the food I made!_

 

From: A-Bling-Bling Jonghyun

_? You haven’t called me that in a long time.._

Kibum shook his head, pressed the call button and startled when he heard Jonghyun’s ringtone coming from the dark gym across the hall. The older picked up after two rings.

“What?”

“Where are you?” Kibum asked while tiptoeing through the dark and into the gym.

“Out.” He heard Jonghyun’s voice coming from the speaker and also faintly from his left side. He squinted until he could make out a dark figure, hunched up on a pile of yoga mats. He stashed his phone back in his pocket and went to sit down next to his friend.

“Out, huh?”

The older shifted his position so he could lean against the wall, facing him. “Yeah.” His dark brown eyes, which were now more black, were twinkling slightly.

Kibum chuckled. “Have you been smoking something?”

Jonghyun snorted. “Shut up, Kibum.”

Kibum obeyed for a moment, trying to study the other’s face in the dark. “Where were you all day? And if you say ‘out’ again I’m going to punch you.”

He saw the other smiling slightly. “I went to the mall.”

“By yourself?!” That was not Jjong’s style at all. He was constantly surrounded by a cluster of people wherever he went.

The older just shrugged. “Why not.”

“Jjong,” Kibum began cautiously, “why did you ask me about Itaewon yesterday?”

“No reaso—“

“Stop it!” Kibum was nearly shouting now. “Stop this. You’ve been acting weird all day, asking strange questions, avoiding people all of a sudden, without giving a reason why. Stop avoiding me and tell me what’s wrong.”

“I…” Jonghyun was visibly fighting with himself. “We used to be close, you know. Back before…” He raised his hands in a helpless gesture.

“Before I started dating?” Kibum finished the sentence for him. “But I was not the only one. You and Minho and—“

“That’s not the problem,” Jonghyun interjected.

“What is then?”

“It’s not because you started dating, it’s because who you chose to go out with.”

Kibum’s jaw dropped. “Are you trying to tell me it’s wrong to—“

“God, no!” Jonghyun hurried to clarify. “You know I would never do that.”

“Do I?” Kibum shook his head slowly. “I think I don’t know anything anymore, Jjong. You seem to be awfully confused these days.”

“Maybe I am…” the other let his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes and both of them shut up for a short while.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jonghyun eventually broke the silence.

“Shoot.”

“What is your type?”

“My… what?” Was he serious?

“You know… in guys. What kind of guys do you like?”

He was.

Definitely not the silly, buff, cocky ones with puppy eyes. Why would he even care?

“I don’t know. Tall and blond?”

Jonghyun didn’t acknowledge the obvious joke. “So do you have a boyfriend right now?”

Ouch, touchy subject. “I don’t have _boyfriends_.”

Jonghyun glanced at him with raised eyebrows. “What _do_ you have then?”

“Nothing. I don’t plan on marrying anytime soon. It’s in our contract, if you remember.”

The older sat back up, crossing his legs. “Just to be clear here… You _date_ guys, but you don’t have boyfriends because you want to get married someday?”

Kibum nodded. “Pretty much.”

“But what if you fall in love?”

That made him shut up. This was getting more than uncomfortable. He had to clear his throat to regain his ability to speak. “I won’t. I never let it go that far.”

“But what if? What would you do?”

“Nothing,” he answered truthfully. “It’s been easy so far. If I find a guy really cute, I just never call him back.”

“But why? Tell me, what would be so bad about falling in love?” Jonghyun persisted on asking.

Kibum clicked his tongue. “I wouldn’t be able to stop it. And I would _need_ to stop it someday.”

“Good thing then that none of us guys is your type.” Jonghyun’s voice sounded cheerful, but he looked down at the mattress.

Kibum swallowed hard. His former best friend was poking holes in a wall in his head he’d been _so_ good at keeping up until now. A wall he had put up to protect himself and his friends.

“You were lying about that, weren’t you?”

Kibum closed his eyes. “Stop it, Jjong.”

“Why?”

“Just stop it already!” He didn’t mean to, but his hands balled up into fists. “You don’t know how hard it is sometimes. Pretending to be someone… something I’m not. Even though it has gotten easier over the years, some days it’s still tearing me apart. It’s not a joke!”

“I know.”

He could feel Jonghyun’s eyes resting on him.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Kibum,” the older continued quietly, “I just think you shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are.”

“Oh, you think?” He felt a sad smile spreading on his lips. “Then tell me, Jjong, what would _you_ do if I confessed my love to you?”

Jonghyun chuckled. “You kind of already did that once, when you were really _really_ drunk. It was adorable.”

“And what if I weren’t drunk?”

Jonghyun studied his face for a second. “I would be glad.”

Kibum rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, Jjong.”

“So am I.”

Kibum huffed and jumped up. “Fine. I’ll never worry about your well-being ever again.” _Stupid, puppy-eyed kid_ , he continued in his head while walking away.

“Kibum… Do you really like me?”

“No. I hate you, Jonghyun.” At this moment in time, it was the truth.


	2. Too Close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist recommendation for the upcoming chapters: "Life Sucks" on and by Spotify

 

 

Kibum didn’t sleep much that night. The conversation kept replaying in his mind over and over again and each time Jonghyun’s questions seemed more ominous than before. The older was a really talkative guy, but their conversations usually didn’t go very deep, relationship-talk wise, since they were fishing on two completely different shores, so to speak.

On the other hand, Jonghyun had always been weird when it came to blurring the lines. He was very obviously very much into girls, but he was also almost always the one to initiate contact between Kibum and himself, going so far as to hold hands in public and kiss on concerts or fan meets. They never talked about it though. Kibum knew that Jonghyun was a sucker for public attention and would do anything for it, so he was aware that at least most of these public displays of affection didn’t mean a thing and he sort of put up with it as long as they didn’t go too far. But sometimes Jonghyun didn’t stop at the PDA’s. There were those little gestures he didn’t share with anyone else... When he would absentmindedly trace patterns on Kibum’s hand. Or simply hold on to it when they were sitting close to one another. When he would smile at him for no apparent reason. Hug him from behind or play with the hair at the nape of Kibum’s neck…

“Kibum… I can hear you thinking. Go to sleep.”

Kibum was really thankful for Jinki’s interruption of his musings. He was not ready to have wet dreams involving his friend. Nonono. That was just wrong.

So wrong.

 

 

Was it?

 

 

Dance training the next day was even less fun than usual. He had trouble concentrating and kept missing even the most basic steps, until Minho punched him in the shoulder.

“What are you doing?!” The younger yet obnoxiously taller friend glared at him from under a fringe of sweaty black hair, while the others kept rehearsing their routine seemingly unimpressed.

“Didn’t get much sleep last night,” Kibum answered quietly, but Minho just shrugged, dismissing his statement.

“That’s usually not an excuse for you.”

True. While promoting, they rarely got more than five hours of sleep each night and Kibum was usually one of the people who kept going the longest, simply out of stubbornness.

He pulled a face. “I’m not doing so well today. I think I’ll take a break.”

Without waiting for the other to reply he signaled the trainer that he would take a time out and shuffled towards the exit. From the corner of his eyes he could see Minho explaining something to Taemin, but the others didn’t seem to notice his leaving. So he walked straight out the door and down the corridor, pretty much aimlessly, until he reached the entrance to the gym.

Instead of stopping there and maybe walking back to the others to rejoin the training, he headed right through the door and to the bathroom to take a shower. He decided he would deal with the pissed off coach later, right now all he wanted was to scrub every bit of self-doubt from his skin.

 

When he returned to his room half an hour later, a little less light-headed and a little more himself, there was still no trace of the others. There was no use going back to their training room now, so he flung himself onto his bed. He was just about to whip out his phone when he noticed it vibrating in his pocket. It was a text message.

From: A-Bling-Bling Jonghyun

_Hey, are you okay?_

 

 _Peachy_! Kibum dropped the slender black device on the mattress and covered his eyes with his arm. He could almost picture the older staring at him, his pretty face all scrunched up and his big round eyes filled with questions.

 _Dammit Kibum, he’s not_ pretty.

His phone rang. He didn’t have to look at the screen to know who it was. He turned on his side to watch the screen light up with a dorky selca of Jjong. He let it ring without picking up, angry at himself for not activating his voice mail. After a minute or so, the phone went silent and then the door flew open.

“Kibum.”

He looked up and saw Jonghyun standing in the door with the phone still in his hand.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

“Why are you not picking up your phone?”

“Because.” Kibum returned to staring at the ceiling and immediately regretted that decision, because Jonghyun closed the door behind him and came to sit down at the foot of his bed.

“Are you still mad at me?”

 _Oh god he’s probably making his puppy eyes. Don’t look._ “I’m tired, Jjong.”

“You are avoiding my questions.”

Kibum mentally rolled his eyes. “I told you, I’m tired.”

“Please… don’t be mad at me.” Jonghyun genuinely sounded sad.

Kibum took a deep breath and sat up straight, facing his friend. “You’re being unfair, Jjong.”

The other looked puzzled. “How?”

“Making fun of me and then acting like I’m the bad guy for being mad.”

“Kibum… I didn’t make fun of you.”

“Are we both talking about the same conversation? Because I remember you giving stupid answers to my questions.”

Jonghyun shook his head slowly. “You don’t understand. I seriously wasn’t joking, Kibum.”

Kibum stopped short. His head spun trying to remember the exact course of the conversation.

No. No no. Jonghyun couldn’t be serious about _that_. He _couldn’t_. “Are you… Not even about—”

“About _nothing_.” Jjong wasn’t lying. He actually had never seen the older that serious before.

Kibum leaned back, swallowing hard. Jonghyun had _no idea_ what he was doing. “Why are you telling me this?” His voice was colder than intended.

Jonghyun’s face dropped like someone had just punched him in the stomach. “I…  I’m sorry…” He opened his mouth to say something else, but words evidently failed him. When he eventually decided to just get up, he looked hurt. Really hurt.

Kibum’s heart broke. “Jjong… wait.” He swung his legs off the bed. “Look… I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just… I’m not quite sure what’s going on here.”

Jonghyun raised his hands and dropped them again, looking frustrated. “Me neither.” He started pacing the room. “It feels like I’m completely losing control over myself. It’s driving me crazy.”

Kibum grabbed his wrist as he walked by and made him sit back down on the bed. “Calm down. What do you _think_ is going on?”

The other slowly shook his head, staring down at his hands resting on his thighs. “All I know is that I care about you a lot,” he began, “I always have. I mean… you’re my friend. Best friend, even. But… somehow… it’s not the same anymore.”

“What changed?”

Jonghyun took a deep breath, as if to steady himself. “This,” he finally said and took Kibum’s hand. “I want to do this, all day long.”

Kibum covered both their hands with his other one and smiled. “Stupid. You know that’s okay. It’s always been okay.”

Jonghyun nodded and then shook his head, very slowly. “But…is this okay, too?” He asked and leaned in to press his lips against Kibum’s cheek.

Kibum froze, heat rising up his neck, and for a second his heart stopped.

_Oh my god. This can’t be…_

Jonghyun noticed his hesitation and pulled back a bit, his hand still in Kibum's.

Kibum’s thoughts were in turmoil, conflicting emotions clashing in his mind. He couldn’t move.

"Key?" Jonghyun lifted his other hand and touched the younger's cheek, carefully turning Kibum’s face towards him. And Kibum let him.

The older was watching him, his gaze soft and vulnerable. His hand gently traveled down Kibum's cheek, his thumb slightly brushing over the corner of Kibum's mouth, his lower lip, lingering there. The contact sent heat into Kibum’s veins, whirling and sparking glowing embers. They were scorching, making their way through his body, into his limbs. He felt himself melting into Jonghyun’s touch, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, Jonghyun’s face was right in front of him, uncertainty written all over it. So Kibum finally moved, closing the distance between them until their lips met.

It was not the first time. This had happened before, in front of thousands of people, as fan service. Harmless, really. But this time was different. Oh so _very_ different.

Jonghyun didn’t break away. He took a shuddering breath, his soft lips barely touching Kibum’s, almost as if he was waiting for the younger to change his mind. But Kibum didn’t. He moved his lips against Jonghyun’s and then suddenly they were moving together. Daring and yet careful. Slow. Tentative. Until Kibum couldn’t take it anymore, his arms reaching up and wrapping themselves around Jongyhun’s neck, almost completely of their own accord. And Jonghyun responded by grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer.

For an endless moment, Kibum’s mind was so immersed in the sensation that he let everything just happen. Jonghyun’s hands moving under his shirt, reaching around Kibum to hold him, leaving trails of goose bumps in their wake. His own fingers burying themselves in Jjong’s hair, pulling him closer and closer. Their lips colliding, parting, tongues meeting, mouths fitting together as if they had never done _anything_ else.

It wasn’t until this minute that he realized he had _hungered_ for this moment. Jonghyun’s pulse quickening under his fingertips; the older’s lips against his own – warm, lush, soft; his breath catching in his throat at the touch of Jonghyun’s hands on his skin. Their hearts beating in unison. It all came rushing down on him at once.

Kibum gasped and opened his eyes, detaching himself from Jonghyun and scooting away.

The other stared at him, visibly confused. “What—“

“I’m sorry.” Kibum’s voice came out raspy and he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I don’t… You should leave.”

“Why?” Jonghyun’s dark eyes were wary. _Oh god. He knew he was about to get hurt._

Kibum averted his eyes. “Please…”

“No Kibum. You have to talk to me.”

How could he? How should he explain what he couldn’t even understand himself?

“I care too much about you, Jjong,” he began, honest as usual, “far too much. If we… if we get any closer than this, I might not be able to stop it.”

“Then don’t stop it.” Jonghyun’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper. He didn’t understand. “Kibum-ah… _don’t stop it_.”

Kibum had to look up again, up into those dark brown and vulnerable eyes that he loved so mu— _No. NO!_

He clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut, composing himself. “Do you even know what you are doing, Jjong?”

The older narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“This. What is this? You are not… you are not like me, so what is this to you?”

Jonghyun jumped up from the bed and ruffled his hair. “You are not helping, Kibum.”

“Yes I am.” Kibum followed suit, jumping up as well. “That’s why I’m telling you this. I don’t think you know what you’re doing.”

The older turned around. “Why are you pushing me away?”

“I’m not…” Damn right he was. “I… Listen, this is far more complicated for me than it might look like to you.”

“You go around dating other guys every free weekend. Really doesn’t look complicated to me.”

Kibum folded his arms. “So what, you want to _date_ me? Have you ever _dated_ a guy before?”

Jonghyun threw his arms up in the air. “You’re an idiot, Kibum.”

“I only want to protect you, Jjong.” He didn’t want to say it, but it came out anyway. Very softly.

Jonghyun just stared at him for a moment. “I get that you would not want to use me, like you do with those… others. But just tell me one thing: Do you like me?”

“You know I do.” _Damn you and your inability to lie._

“Then why am I not allowed to like you back?”

“Because we simply can’t be together, Jjong! Not like this _._ ” _Stop asking. Please…_

But Jonghyun wasn’t even close to stopping. “Is that what you want?”

_Why is this happening._

 “I—“

“No, tell me: Is that _really_ what you want?” Jonghyun came closer. “Do you want me to walk out that door and never look back again? Because that’s what I’m going to have to do.”

He wished he could just push Jonghyun out the door and back in time, to a place where they were best friends and nothing more.  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and when he looked up again, Jonghyun was standing right in front of him. Cocking his head like a puppy, his peachy lips slightly pursed, he just looked at him and Kibum felt his resistance melting away like ice cream on a hot summer day. Oh how he adored this guy. Everything about him, from his incredible talents, his golden heart, his incredible brains, to his most annoying habits. There was no denying it.

Everything in him started rebelling against the common sense that was just as deeply lodged in his brain.

“This is new ground for me too, you know?” Jonghyun whispered, sensing his turmoil. “This has been gnawing on me for quite some time now and I’m terrified, to be honest. Terrified of losing you, above all else. I know what I do and say may seem childish and silly at times, but…  There’s one thing in my life I’ve always been serious about. You, Kibum. You came into my life and from day one, you turned everything… upside down. I know about your reservations… God knows, I have them, too. But I’m willing to fight for this. Fight for you. You just have to say the word. “

It wasn’t only Jonghyun’s world that had been turned upside down.

“You have no idea what you’re going to face if we do this.”

“I don’t care, Kibum.”

“We would never be able to go public with this, ever.” He was waiting for Jonghyun to say ‘I don’t care’ again, but the older went quiet.

“Does your family actually know?” Jonghyun eventually asked.

Kibum nodded, remembering a talk he once had about it with his grandma. “They agreed that it was just a phase and that it wouldn’t matter because I was going to marry a girl anyhow.”

“And you convinced yourself.” It was not a question, but Kibum nodded anyway.

“I had to. It’s the only way to… get by, I guess. It should be much easier for you… since you actually like girls, too.”

“As strange as that may sound coming from my mouth, but I don’t really care about girls right now, Kibum.” Jonghyun reached out and took his hand. “Can we… just not worry about the future and live in the here and now for once?”

“I’m trying, Jjong.” Kibum looked down on their hands. His head was fuzzy, like filled with cotton candy, and he felt detached from his own body. This was so surreal. He wished he could tell Jonghyun to give him some time to think about this, but he knew his friend would never accept that. If you needed time to think about your feelings, it wasn’t meant to be. And the worst part about it was that he didn’t even need to think. His ideal type in every way was standing right in front of him, holding his hand.  A man-boy he had always adored. Always loved. He knew for a fact that if he let this happen, he would fall head over heels instantly. Irretrievably. And that would mean risking losing everything. His family, possibly his job, his place in life, his value in this society… Was it worth it? Was being a selfish, lovesick idiot worth losing everything else?

While his mind was keeping tight reign, his heart, locked away behind his ribs, started screaming – and so he made a decision.

Kibum let go of Jonghyun’s hand and took a step back. He could not stray from his path. He could not betray his family. He _couldn’t._ There was no other way.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, unable to look at the other. “I can’t.”

He couldn’t even look up when Jonghyun turned around in silence and left the room, but as soon as the door closed behind him, his knees buckled and he just sank down to the floor, feeling as if he could just fall through it at any moment, as if all his strength, everything holding him together had just left with Jonghyun.

What had he done?

 


	3. Walk Alone

 

 

Life continued on, as if nothing had changed. The next morning they all returned to their busy schedules, which meant they hardly saw or met each other. At most they passed each other in the hall or kitchen, one leaving for an early rehearsal, the other just returning from a night shoot while the third was about to head off to some overseas activity.

For once, Kibum was glad about his tight schedule. There was no time to rest, no time to think about things other than work or his current personal projects, no time to accidentally run into _people he didn't want to see right now_. He slept at work every chance he got, ate out with his friends or other colleagues and merely returned home to shower and pick up a change of clothes. Weeks passed like this and his schedule continued to work out well - Kibum was beginning to think he might actually be able to soldier through this situation somehow. There was no time to breathe, no time to let the feeling of loss that was lingering at the edge of his soul creep further. He could get through this if he just kept himself busy long enough.

"...yah!"

Kibum blinked at the person sitting across from him. "What?"

"I said you need to give me Kim Jonghyun's phone number."

Kibum frowned "What for?"

"So I can write him some nasty messages! Didn't you listen to what I just told you?"

He must have blanked out at the mention of the name _Kim Jonghyun_. "No I didn't, sorry." He took a large sip from his beer to emphasize his unwillingness to continue with this topic, but the girl - an idol from a rookie group - continued blabbering.

"He like broke up with her after only two days! Who does that? She was soooo into him, and she's the visual of our group, I mean... you could really do so much worse! She feels really bad about this. You're his friend, right? Can you punch him for me the next time you see him? I dare him come at me next. Such a jerk. Damn gorgeous jerk!"

Kibum just glared at her. He really didn't need to hear about Jonghyun's promiscuity right now. He didn't need to hear about this person _at all_. His apparent new habit of sleeping around was something that didn't concern him. Not anymore.

"Just stay away from him," he mumbled.

"I wish I could," the girl piped and sighed. "He's so dreamy... But don't tell him that!"

Kibum downed his drink in one go and moved to get up. "I'm leaving." When he wiggled himself out of the tight packed bar and stopped outside the door to breath for a moment, he noticed someone had followed him.

"I thought she would never let you go," Park Hyeongseop said grinning and fumbled in his pocket for a cigarette. "Want one?"

Kibum denied. "I didn't realize you had come."

"I was staring at you for an hour, how could you not notice that." The tall model leaned against the facade and lit his cigarette, lavishly inhaling the blue smoke. Kibum couldn't help staring at his lips as they curved into a smile. He had tasted these lips before and they had been _delicious_. The memory alone made his pulse quicken.

He leaned back as well, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "I was too busy trying to stop myself from slapping some sense into her," he answered delayed. "How can people actually stand being with someone like that.”

The other snorted. “Did you not see her chest?”

Kibum huffed. “Point taken.” He sighed and stared up at the night sky, barely visible over the constant light pollution of the city. Nights like this usually cleared his mind, but he felt stuck somehow, stuck between wanting to move on from this place and not being able to.

“You didn’t reply to any of my texts.”

Kibum turned to look at the other guy, who was gazing down at him, one eyebrow raised. “I know.”

“Care to explain?” He dropped his cigarette bud, not bothering to douse it.

Kibum stared at the smoke curling up from the pavement. “Actually I don’t.” He pushed himself off the wall, facing the taller guy, hands still in his pockets.

Hyeongseop smiled, sensing the challenge. “Wanna get out of here?”

“Yeah.” Kibum replied, not a trace of hesitation in his voice. _You are your own master_. _You will not let yourself be owned by anyone. Especially not your feelings._

They drifted through the streets, grabbing drinks at one bar, getting something to eat at another, floating through the crowds, getting more carefree with every drop of alcohol until they ended up at Hyeongseop’s apartment. Once again.

It was one of these nights Kibum would choose not to remember later. Partly because he hated his drunk self, partly because Hyeongseop was just too gorgeous, but mostly because he knew guilt would catch up sooner or later. Waking up on another uni-colored leather sofa in someone else’s living room, his clothes strewn all around the floor, not bothering to fix his hair and taking the walk of shame at the break of dawn to a taxi waiting outside the building.

And all just because he was a damn coward.

Instead of going straight back to the dorm, he asked the taxi driver to take him to a little park at the banks of the Hangang. He was not ready to face reality yet. Fuck schedules. So instead, he settled down in the grass, set his phone to play his current favorite song and watched the sun rise over the city.

He was just about to doze off when his phone beeped.

From: “Flaming Charisma”

_Yah! Where are you? Do I need to pick you up somewhere again? We need to leave in an hour!_

Kibum let his head drop back into the grass. It was time to put his game face back on.

To: “Flaming Charisma”

_Don’t fret. I’ll be there._

When he arrived at the dorm 35 minutes later the apartment was already buzzing with coordinators and stylists. Someone threw a bunch of clothes at him and he trotted into his room to change into them without even bothering to check what he had gotten this time. He’d add his own personal touch as soon as he was dressed in the usual atrocity. The most important thing was his make-up anyway. He could wear anything as long as his face was flawless.

When he left his room again a camera team was already waiting in the common room and a microphone was shoved into his face, which meant instant poker faces and time for smiles and brotherly love.

Of course Jonghyun was there, too, but instead of clinging on to him, he had his arm around Taemin’s shoulders, grinning and blabbering without interruption like an idiot. A lingering headache, a remainder from the previous night, did its thing to distract Kibum enough not to focus too much on things he couldn’t change now. He would be fine as long as he didn’t think. He just hoped they didn’t zoom in on his face too much.

“So, we were informed that you guys are going abroad soon to shoot for the new calendar! What did you think about this? Are you excited yet?”

Kibum’s heart dropped into his stomach. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten all about this. Going abroad usually meant spending all day with the members and the team, with no room to breathe, no time for yourself. No matter how much he loved working and seeing the world, being around Jonghyun 24/7 was the last thing he (and Jonghyun) needed right now. Maybe he could opt out of it somehow. Break a leg, book another musical, make a movie?

While he raked his brain for ways to escape this schedule, he noticed Jonghyun looking at him from across the room. It was the first time in weeks Jonghyun had actively initiated eye contact and it felt more than strange. Kibum’s first instinct was to just ignore it and leave, but something in Jonghyun’s gaze made him pause. He raised a questioning eyebrow, hoping the other would just shrug it off and let him go. Instead, he beckoned him to join him in the kitchen.

Kibum hesitated but then complied. Jonghyun had poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter in his usual manner. He had gotten a haircut recently and they must have lightened his hair a bit. It suited him _perfectly_. Kibum unintentionally raised his hand to fix his bangs.

“Kibum…” Jonghyun cleared his throat, as if trying to gain some time to find the right words. “I really don’t want to make life harder for you, so please… you don’t have to keep your distance or anything for my sake, just… be yourself. Don’t worry about me.”

“It’s not for your sake, Jonghyun.” Kibum replied, as usual, without thinking first. “Not everything is always about you,” he added, more angrily. “Get over yourself!”

Jonghyun just blinked at him, confusion in his eyes, and Kibum went still.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “Look… I heard you’ve been coping well, and I’m trying my best to help you with this, help myself with this… I guess… it’s better this way.”

“Whoever said I was coping well is talking bullshit,” Jonghyun whispered, smiling sadly and Kibum balled his fists until his nails were digging into his palms.

“It will get better,” he replied quietly. “You have to believe in that.”

“Do you?”

“Yes.” No hesitation. For a split second he was proud of himself. He moved to walk past Jonghyun out the kitchen but then stopped next to his friend, not looking at him, just sharing his space. "Hope is the only thing getting me through the days, Jjong. Hold on to it and keep on moving."

He didn't wait for a response but instead left Jonghyun and the kitchen behind to join the others for the rest of the interview.


	4. Sleepless

 

Kibum cursed being an idol on most days, but sometimes it was also kind of a blessing. Like when the company decided to send them on trips around the globe for promotional purposes. There was so much to see and so much to do that there was no time to think about anything else than being just KEY. And Kibum absolutely loved his alter ego. Key was more similar to him than he cared to admit sometimes, but it was still a disguise he could wear without having to worry about attracting attention every time he stepped out of line. It was freeing in this world of endless restrictions.  

As scheduled, he and the others had been hauled to Switzerland for the new calendar shoot, with a timeframe of 5 days and about a gazillion locations to mark off. Even though Kibum had dreaded this trip, he appreciated the change of scenery. Soon they would only be seeing hotel rooms again, because another leg of their concert tour was coming up.

As fun as a trip abroad was, he hated the countless hours spent on planes, trains and busses and the time zone differences. Like the others, he had slept through most of the journey, trying to compensate for that. Still, by the time they reached the lodge the production team had booked for the stay, Kibum was dead tired.

The lodge was sort of charming, with a timber frame and little windows with green shutters, but they didn’t have time to enjoy the view. They had an hour to get ready for the first shoot of the day, so as soon as they drowsily stumbled out of the van, the team immediately shooed them onto the second floor of the building and into tiny rooms with one bunk bed each. It was almost like being a rookie again.

Kibum plopped down onto the lower bed of his bunk, not paying attention to the PDs shouting in the hall, the beautiful scenery outside the window or that someone had been shoved into the room behind him. It was only when that person cleared their throat that he opened one eye to look.

Jonghyun was hovering in the tiny space between the bed and the dresser, looking positively lost, hands in his pockets, helplessly staring over his shoulder out the door and then back at Kibum.

"Jinki has to bunk with the manager and Taemin and Minho are going on a separate shoot later today so they had to bunk together and so the PD put me in here..." he was rambling, "I'll find somewhere else to sleep as soon as the PDs stop paying attention."

"It's okay, I'll go, you stay," Kibum said, dragging himself out of the comfortable bed.

Jonghyun put his hands up. "No, no, stay, I'll find something else."

"Idiot, I'm offering you this luxurious bunk bed." He fluffed the pillow before standing up.

Jonghyun huffed. "Is it as comfy as the one we had back when we moved into the dorm?"

"The one with the glow in the dark stars on the bottom of the top bed some other rookie had left behind when he moved out?"

"Yeah." A tiny smile lit up Jonghyun's face.

"Comfier." Kibum made a dramatic gesture to the bed. "And it's all yours."

Jonghyun laughed and let his bag pack slip off his shoulder. "How about we both stay. For old times’ sake."

The older just stood there, smiling crookedly and Kibum exhaled slowly. "I'm okay with it if you're okay with it," he replied, somehow torn between wanting him to be okay with it and the urge to just stomp out of the room, all Key and his loose temper. It was a little disconcerting.

"I'm okay with it," Jonghyun said, a sudden defeat in his voice and his stance. "I just..." He shook his head once, as if to clear it of unnecessary thoughts. "I'm okay." He threw his bag and his ever present guitar case onto the top bed. "I'll take this one, so you don't have to watch me sleep."

Kibum laughed, relief flooding through him, unbidden. Jonghyun and his habit of sleeping with his eyes half open was indeed weird and had caused many nightly discussions back in the day when they had still shared a room.

"Thank God," he said and thankfully indeed, his wide grin was reciprocated.

 

“Kids! Focus!”

Kibum chuckled, watching Minho trying to reign in Taemin and Jinki, who had decided they’d rather make snow angels than sit neatly on a bench in the knee-high snow in front of the sunset and the breathtaking Alps panorama. If it weren’t for the crowd of hectic crewmembers stomping through the snow, it would have been picturesque.

All day the sun had been blazing down from the steel blue sky, making their eyes water. Nevertheless, the air was still crispy cold and standing in the snow not moving for half a day certainly hadn’t helped against the ice creeping in through their fancy but for this purpose inadequately lined winter clothes.

Now that the sun was about to set, taking the last bit of warmth with it, the five of them were wrapped in an extra layer of coats, chattering their teeth, fatigue lining all of their faces. Kibum really couldn’t blame Taemin and Jinki for trying to use the last light of day for something other than standing still and the crew seemed to agree, because they decided to halt production for the day.

It took the group less than a minute to squeeze in through the narrow entrance of the lodge and crowd around the crackling tiled stove, trying to thaw their stiff hands and feet.

Kibum seized the opportunity to be the first in the shower, simply dropping his three coats and most of the other clothes on the way to the miniature bathroom. Sadly, the bath faucet was old and fiddly and the water temperature couldn’t be properly adjusted. Kibum wasted a minute turning it this way and that and then just settled for whatever temperature he got. For the first few seconds, the water alternated between Molten Lava and Glacial Stream, but he didn’t care. He refused to spend the rest of the night as an icicle.

When he returned to the kitchen a bit later, warmed up and dressed in his most comfortable and warm pullover and sweats combo, a pot of hot spiced wine was cooking on the stove. Minho and Taemin were slurping soup at the kitchen table, while Jonghyun was perched on the stove bench, guitar on his lap, strumming and humming along.

Kibum poured himself a cup of the wine and curled up on the other end of the bench, slowly sipping on the steaming beverage and listening to Jonghyun play.

He could get used to this, he noted, suppressing a yawn.

Snuggled up in his sweater, the drink and the warm bench adding to the weariness in his limbs and dulling his senses, it wasn’t long until he was more dozing than sitting in his corner.

“I wrote a new song, do you want to hear it?” Fingers picked at guitar chords, creating a solemn tune.

The clinking of silverware was interrupted by affirmative mumbling. “Yeah, sure.”

The tune found a rhythm, flowing, until a voice set in.

 

_“Please look at my eyes, I look at you from afar and whisper to myself_

_Please smile just once, I can endure it if I just look at your face_

_If you're standing there at the end of my life_

_If I can grow a little closer to you_

_I will throw away everything and I will run to you_

_Though I stretch out my hand, though I stretch out with all my strength_

_I still can't reach you_

_It feels like we're closer, so I call for you with a fluttering heart_

_But there's no answer_

_I don't think I'll ever reach you_

_Every day changes so quickly and you keep warmly and brightly shining_

_I’ve never seen your back – am I curious and selfish?_

_How long have I been with you? Ever since I opened my eyes and breathed_

_We are together every night, but I can't approach you_

_Though I stretch out my hand, though I stretch out with all my strength_

_I still can't reach you_

_It feels like we're closer, so I call for you with a fluttering heart_

_But there's not answer, I don't think I'll ever reach you_

_Even if you tease me by saying this is foolish, I can’t turn this heart around_

_I shout out loud, shout out loud and call you, I get angry but it’s no use_

_I’m just one out of the many people that pass by you, pass by you_

_I’m not special to you_

_It feels like we're closer, so I call for you with a fluttering heart_

_But there's no answer, I don't think I'll ever reach you_

_I don't think I'll ever reach you”*_

 

Kibum woke up much later to complete darkness, not exactly sure how he’d gotten to his room. It was still night outside, probably way too early to be awake and the house was quiet. He wondered what had woken him and felt around his bed for his phone. _3:23 am_. Two hours until they had to be up. There were a few messages from friends and his mum, way ahead in their course of the day… but if he replied now they would keep him up for the rest of the night. He clicked the display off and huddled under his blanket, trying to go back to sleep. He was unsuccessful, because there was a tune playing in the back of his head and he couldn’t stop humming along in his mind.

_Even if you tease me by saying this is foolish, I can’t turn this heart around_

Suddenly he heard rustling coming from the bed above him and with a jolt he was wide awake.

 _Jonghyun_.

“Are you asleep?” he asked softly.

“No,” the other replied groggily.

“That song you played…” He had to make sure his tired mind hadn’t made it all up.

Jonghyun’s sheets rustled again. “Yeah?” He sounded almost cautious.

“It was very beautiful.” Kibum finished his sentence quietly.

Jonghyun didn’t reply immediately, maybe waiting for Kibum to continue speaking. “Thank you,” he eventually said, just as softly.

“What is it called?”

Another short silence followed. “The Distance Between You And Me.”

Kibum wanted to ask him who that other person was the lyrics were referring to, even though he knew the answer. Had known it the moment the last notes of the song had faded away. He wasn’t sure why he felt like he needed to _hear_ it now.

“Jjong…”

“I’m… really sorry about all of this.” Jonghyun mumbled, sounding distressed. “I wish I could make it all go away. It’s… I’m sorry. So sorry.”

Kibum couldn’t answer. For reasons he couldn’t quite grasp, tears were pooling up in his eyes. Maybe because he was sorry, too. Sorry for not trusting Jonghyun’s feelings. Sorry for his cold words. Sorry for the way this world was turning… He wiped at his eyes angrily, helplessly.

“Kibum-ah…” Jonghyun whispered, his voice thick with tears.

Kibum exhaled shakily. “It’s okay…” he replied gently.

The other didn’t respond and for a long while Kibum thought Jonghyun had maybe fallen asleep, until he realized he was actually weeping quietly.

_Please smile just once, I can endure it if I just look at your face_

_I’m just one out of the many people that pass by you_

_I don’t think I’ll ever reach you_

 Kibum took a deep unsteady breath and then made a decision. He rose and felt his way to the ladder, climbing the few stairs in total darkness up to the corner of the top bed. Carefully he reached out until he found Jonghyun’s cheek.

“Don’t cry,” Kibum whispered, gently wiping away the tears streaming down Jonghyun’s face.

He felt fingers closing around his own, shaking, cold – and the last remains of Kibum’s reservations came undone all at once. With newfound courage he carefully climbed over Jonghyun and slipped under the blanket right next to him. He registered Jonghyun holding his breath when he touched him, but Kibum didn’t back off. Not this time.

Instead, he put his arms around the other, hugging him tight. “It’s okay, I’m here,” he said softly with his lips to Jonghyun’s ear. “You reached me.”

A sob escaped Jonghyun’s throat as he turned around and buried his face in Kibum’s sweater, clinging to him as if he was afraid Kibum would disappear if he didn’t.

So Kibum just held on tight, crying silently, rubbing circles into Jonghyun’s back and stroking his hair until both of them slowly fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *SHINee - Selene 6.23 (The Distance Between You And Me)


	5. Worthy Of You

When the alarm went off at 5.30 am, Kibum was alone in bed. Light poured in through the crack under the door, but it was still dark outside. Disoriented he grabbled for his phone until he realized it was still lost somewhere in the sheets of the bed below him. He was just about to give in and get up when the door opened and Jonghyun stepped in, a towel around his shoulders, his hair dripping wet. He walked up to the bed and bent down to switch off Kibum’s alarm. When he didn’t reappear again, Kibum sat up to peer over the edge of the mattress. Jonghyun was sitting on the lower bed, staring at Kibum’s phone in his hands.

Kibum bit his lip. Out of an impulse, he had changed his wallpaper to a selca of him and Jonghyun a few days ago. They were both smiling wide, all squinty eyed, making V-signs at the camera. It was one of his favorite pictures of them together.

“Good morning,” he said and Jonghyun got up hastily.

“You’re awake,” he noted, phone still in his hands.

Kibum pointed to the device with his chin. “Thank you for turning off the alarm. I had forgotten all about it.”

The older suddenly seemed to remember that he was still holding it and placed it on the drawer, now clutching his towel instead, starting to dry his hair with it. “Did you… sleep well?”

“I did. Why are you up so early?”

“I… had to go to the bathroom and then caught a look of my face in the mirror and decided to take a shower immediately,” he shrugged with an almost shy smirk. “I also didn’t… I was not sure how you would feel this morning, so I thought I should… give you some space.”

“How are YOU feeling this morning?” Kibum asked in return, warily.

“Surreal,” Jonghyun replied slowly, “like I just woke up from a dream. I wasn’t dreaming though…. was I?”

Instead of answering, Kibum detangled himself from the sheets. Very unlike him, he didn’t bother adjusting his hair or his clothes as he climbed down the ladder. He stepped up to Jonghyun and took his towel, using it to rub down his own face.

“One would think the Kibum in your dream would look more presentable,” he finally said, smiling.

“Kibum has never looked more perfect than this,” Jonghyun replied softly, a glow in his eyes Kibum had never seen before. He felt his knees get weak and clutched the towel in his hands, almost close to tears again _._

“I…”

“Hyungs! Breakfast!” Taemin’s voice chimed through the door and made them both jump. As usual, the younger didn’t bother knocking and just barged in, wearing a ridiculous Christmas sweater.

“I take it first assignment today is the December shooting,” Jonghyun commented with a grin and Taemin rolled his eyes.

“Wait until you see YOUR outfits.” He pointed behind himself. “You should hurry if you still want some food. Everyone’s already up!” He turned on his heels and strolled back out the room, leaving the door wide open.

Kibum sighed and handed the towel back to Jonghyun. “You go ahead and eat, I should shower first.”

Jonghyun was about to say something when an assistant walked into the room with hangers full of clothes. Kibum could see the disappointment in Jonghyun’s eyes, but all he managed to do before he was shoved out the door was smile at him.

 

He didn’t see Jonghyun again until late in the afternoon, when they were herded together in front of a campfire for the final group shot of the day. When he arrived at the scene, Jonghyun was sitting on a log, playing his guitar and singing along softly. While the crew was readying lights and cameras, Kibum sat down on the other side of the fire. Jonghyun was completely immersed in his playing, a thoughtful look on his face, his head cocked to the side, his eyes half closed. The song he sang must be one of his new compositions, because Kibum had never heard it before. He was trying to make out the lyrics when Minho sat down next to him, huffing exasperatedly.

“This mountain air and view is great and all, but by the time we’re finished I will have two fingers and three toes less because they’re frozen off.”

“Stop nagging, there’s a fire, warm them,” Kibum replied without looking at him. Jonghyun had just reached a high note. He breathed out the tune with closed eyes, while the last accord faded into the air.

  _I do not deserve this_ , Kibum thought, while a warm and fuzzy feeling was spreading in his chest. _Maybe_ I _am dreaming._

“Arrange yourselves please, we are starting!”

No word on _how_ to arrange themselves. Kibum hesitated for a split second but then seized the opportunity and hurried to sit down next to Jonghyun, who looked up in surprise.

“Hey,” he mouthed, his lips curled into a smile and Kibum replied the same way. There were words burning on his tongue, things he wished he could say, but with the crew and the other members present, smiling at each other was all they could do.

The afternoon passed unbearably slow and by the time they were done, Kibum was freezing and aching from head to toe. He was so ready to get into the van to drive back to the lodge when the PD gestured for them to gather one more time.

“When we get home you need to pack a few things because the next two days will be spent at different locations,” the PD tapped on his tablet before continuing, “Jinki, Jonghyun and Taemin will go with my team to a ski resort and Kibum and Minho will go with director Lee and his team into the mountains.”

Everyone nodded diligently, but Kibum caught Minho rolling his eyes while Taemin yawned into his scarf. Jonghyun was standing with his hands in his pockets, staring down at his shoes.

“We leave in five minutes.” The PD clapped and shooed them off towards the van. Kibum was so tired and frozen he could barely muster the strength to climb into the car. He was more shoved than walking to his seat in the back of the vehicle, where he plopped down, entirely done with the world.

  _Ahhh the glorious life of a pop star_.

He opened one eye to watch the others climb in one after the other and his heart did a stupid little stumble of happiness when he saw Jonghyun sitting down next to him without hesitation.

Exhaustion was virtually tangible in the air and while the others dozed away almost instantly, Kibum fought hard to stay awake. He knew he needed this moment. Jonghyun needed this moment. They both needed reassurance. But while Kibum still thought about a way to approach this carefully, Jonghyun simply placed his hand on the seat between them, palm up, as an invitation and a question.

And Kibum replied by sliding his hand into Jonghyun’s, lacing their fingers. He was scared, _so scared_ , but Jonghyun’s certainty and bravery gave him courage. A courage he didn’t know he had. And he wanted him to know that. So he let his head drop on Jonghyun’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you,” he whispered.

“It’s okay, I understand,” Jonghyun whispered back and used his other hand to gently brush a strand of loose hair off Kibum’s brow. “I wouldn’t have trusted me either.” He rested his cheek on top of Kibum’s head. “I guess you will be without cell phone service there on top of the mountain, hm?”

“I will text you every chance I get,” Kibum replied, a smile spreading on his lips. He still couldn’t believe this was real. THIS. His heart was fluttering in his chest. Something he’d never allowed before. And with every shy beat came a wave of new emotions. “I will miss you.”

“I will miss you, too.” Jonghyun placed a stolen kiss on his temple and then scooted away, because the van had arrived at the lodge. He squeezed his hand one more time before they all got out of the car.

They merely had time for a quick bathroom break and to grab some spare clothes before they were carted off into the night again.

 

As suspected, there was not a single bar of cell phone reception up at the climber hut. They didn’t even have a landline phone. The crew had to drive an hour down the mountain to contact the rest of the team on the other side of the valley.

Minho was absolutely enjoying the nature and the hikes up the mountainside and while Kibum certainly appreciated the gorgeous scenery, he had other more gorgeous things on his mind and so the hours passed in slow motion.

By day two, they were up in the high mountains, where the air was thin and crystal clear and you could see to the edge of the earth. Kibum imagined he could see the skiers on the glaciers in the distance, one of them being Jonghyun maybe.

“Hey Mr. Melancholia, where are your thoughts these days?” Minho bumped him with his shoulder, grinning in his infectious way.

“Home, in my bed, with a hot-water bottle,” Kibum replied. He turned to the edge of the boulder they were standing on and cupped his hands around his mouth. “I MISS YOU!” His voice echoed back from the rocks tenfold and distorted and he laughed.

“You sure like your bed a lot,” Minho noted, laughing as well.

“I do,” Kibum said with a slow smile.


End file.
